If I could go back and talk to the me who was just starting to do comedy, I would have told myself to relax and not worry about things happening right away. That's a mistake a lot of people make - they think a year is a long time and it's really not.

Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.

I'm working on something a little different. It's a technique I call, 'tantric abstinence.' Now, the way this works is I meet a woman, I charm the heck out of her, and then right as she's considering sleeping with me, I say something so awkward that she leaves and I have to start over again with another woman entirely.

If you refuse to see Superman Returns this summer, what you're saying about yourself is: I heart Al Qaeda.

There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.

Basically Britney Spears' video is like a three an a half minute version of Glitter.

People might say, What's so great about the Arctic Monkeys? I've never even seen them. Well, you've never seen God either. You're gonna tell me he's not awesome?