Enchantment and seduction were fine means of persuasion, but when time is short, an awkward but quick concussion could better serve a girl's purpose.

Inside, I was like: "Ha, suck my spiky rubber strap-on, vampyre hunter!

It's hard for me, a Jew, to stay in the moment. Without the past, where is the guilt? And without the future, where is the dread? And without guilt and dread, who am I?

. . . You seem upset, Charlie. Is something wrong? Charlie: No, no, I’m okay, I just had to take directions from a mute beaver in a fez to get here, it’s unsettling.

It's like time travel only, you know, slower.

Everyone is happier if they have someone else to look down on, as well as someone to look up to, especially if they resent both.

I love you above all things, even pie.