Nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten people, one person will always disagree with the other nine!

Give me liberty! Or a bran muffin!

To be a dramatic writer takes hard work, talent, and discipline. And that's why I just make up crap.

Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises.

We'll be back to our nature documentary, 'Baggy the Anorexic Elephant' in just a second.

When I'm on stage, it's a little world I've created where I'm sort of the thing, so I have total control over everything that happens. When we're improvising, I'm with someone I totally trust. I know things are going to work out. I don't have those guarantees in life. There are no consequences on stage.

Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I've ever had.