After a disappointing summer, Humpty Dumpty has a great fall.

Wives live longer than husbands because they're not married to women.

What kind of FBI agent are you?

My mother on her death bed told me, 'Where the hell did that kangaroo come from!?' - it just popped out of nowhere and punched her in the head and caused a cerebral hemorrhage, so I thought I'd move to a country where there were no kangaroos!

We'll be back to our nature documentary, 'Baggy the Anorexic Elephant' in just a second.

When you kill someone by chopping off their head, rolling 'em up in a carpet and burning it, you'd better make sure they're dead!

Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises.