Colin Mochrie Quotes

Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries.

Hi, well soon return you to the dyslexic production of Bitty Bitty Chang Chang.

I think the challenge is going out in front of a paying audience with absolutely nothing and trying to entertain them for two hours. Thankfully, I only think about that right before we go on, and then once we're out there, everything's fine.

Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum... but come on down. We're going crazy.

Did you know that..........'embargo' spelled backwards is 'o grab me

It all started with a badly timed bald joke!

If Sting retires, would he have to change his name to Stung?

The Hills are alive with the sound of CRAP!

For as long as I can remember, I've had memories.

I have many favorite artists...Van Gough as one, but he didn't really sing a lot!

Hey, come on, I've seen younger faces on money. Money.

NASA sends probe to Uranus, people everywhere giggle.

We'll be back to our nature documentary, 'Baggy the Anorexic Elephant' in just a second.

I don't want to get all lefty, but if we took the defence budgets from around the world, we could end hunger everywhere. I would hope that all the world's leaders are thinking about poverty. Get to work. Do something. This is something that's going to be with us forever.

Let me play a Man in a scene.

You don't sweat much for a fat girl.

Wives live longer than husbands because they're not married to women.

I'm handsome, no ands, buts or ifs.

You know, if I don't make it when I go out there in that weather balloon into that thunder storm. I want, you to take your ear and give it to my wife.

As a kid I watched television 24 hours a day and loved every minute of it. The two shows that always make me laugh and are therefore my favorites are The Dick Van Dyke Show and Fawlty Towers.

Famous Playboy Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, which was outside the Playboy mansion where they had been selling flowers. Said one friar, well, if it was anyone else we may have gotten away from it, but, unfortunately, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

I am such a pessimist that every project has surpassed what I envisioned.

I believe it was Shakespeare who said, 'All the world's a stage, and you are CRAP!'

Why are there so many trees in the jungle?

The comedy community is fairly supportive of human beings in general. There are some things you can teach with comedy that people can't learn by being hit over the head with facts. I think, as comedians, we're trying to change the world. It's slow, but sure.

My mother on her death bed told me, 'Where the hell did that kangaroo come from!?' - it just popped out of nowhere and punched her in the head and caused a cerebral hemorrhage, so I thought I'd move to a country where there were no kangaroos!

Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I've ever had.

When you kill someone by chopping off their head, rolling 'em up in a carpet and burning it, you'd better make sure they're dead!

You know, in the 1970's, when I was in high school, I belonged to a band called the Happy Funk Band. Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be expelled from school.

Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer, dead at 53. Over Barcelona today, the famed reindeer was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747. Eyewitnesses report, that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.

We all have a dinosaur deep within us just trying to get out.

Every song a hit, every hit a smack!

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. It's not like the sheep was underage.

To be a dramatic writer takes hard work, talent, and discipline. And that's why I just make up crap.

I'm a traveling practical joker. That's my line of work.

What if hamsters fought in the American Revolution?

Give me liberty! Or a bran muffin!

When I'm on stage, it's a little world I've created where I'm sort of the thing, so I have total control over everything that happens. When we're improvising, I'm with someone I totally trust. I know things are going to work out. I don't have those guarantees in life. There are no consequences on stage.

There's many times this year I've sat back and thought, I'm making a living from making things up. It's the only skill I have so I've been really lucky.

After a disappointing summer, Humpty Dumpty has a great fall.

Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod?

What kind of FBI agent are you?

My most important professional accomplishment to date is the ability to keep working with absolutely no skills whatsoever.

There are so many things I'd like to change in the industry. Everything from the reliance of style over substance to their reluctance to hire me for big budget blockbusters, but the thing I would love most would be if they understood people don't have to be Hollywood beautiful to be sexy or interesting.

Hi. There was a big accident, some people got decapitated, here are their names... You know what? That shirt really makes you look fat. I mean, the colour's all wrong... I mean, who shot the drapes?

Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises.

The people who influenced me most were the people who said I would never make it. They gave me a thirst for revenge.

And if that isnt the truth, it would be a lie.