I believe it was Shakespeare who said, 'All the world's a stage, and you are CRAP!'

Give me liberty! Or a bran muffin!

As a kid I watched television 24 hours a day and loved every minute of it. The two shows that always make me laugh and are therefore my favorites are The Dick Van Dyke Show and Fawlty Towers.

He had the kind of face only a mother could love. If that mother was blind in one eye, and had that sort of milky film over the other one, ya..ya know, ya know what I mean? But still he was my identical twin.

You don't sweat much for a fat girl.

My most important professional accomplishment to date is the ability to keep working with absolutely no skills whatsoever.

Wives live longer than husbands because they're not married to women.