When you kill someone by chopping off their head, rolling 'em up in a carpet and burning it, you'd better make sure they're dead!

When I'm on stage, it's a little world I've created where I'm sort of the thing, so I have total control over everything that happens. When we're improvising, I'm with someone I totally trust. I know things are going to work out. I don't have those guarantees in life. There are no consequences on stage.

I have many favorite artists...Van Gough as one, but he didn't really sing a lot!

Nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten people, one person will always disagree with the other nine!

The comedy community is fairly supportive of human beings in general. There are some things you can teach with comedy that people can't learn by being hit over the head with facts. I think, as comedians, we're trying to change the world. It's slow, but sure.

Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum... but come on down. We're going crazy.

Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries.