Wives live longer than husbands because they're not married to women.

The comedy community is fairly supportive of human beings in general. There are some things you can teach with comedy that people can't learn by being hit over the head with facts. I think, as comedians, we're trying to change the world. It's slow, but sure.

I'm a traveling practical joker. That's my line of work.

Nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten people, one person will always disagree with the other nine!

I believe it was Shakespeare who said, 'All the world's a stage, and you are CRAP!'

Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises.

I have many favorite artists...Van Gough as one, but he didn't really sing a lot!