The earth is a used Kleenex on the universe's nightstand.

Well... you know, I would wake up with a terrible hangover in a jail somewhere and worst part was that I would not know why I was there.

You can’t make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

I think I identify more with the smart guy, but most people might take umbrage at that. I like to think of myself as a real thinker, but I suppose people might beg to differ.

The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests.

I love people, I love studying people more than history. So whatever situation I see, then I look at, what were the people like, more than history itself.

You can't make money on Broadway. You make nothing. You maybe make like $1,350 a week after you pay out all the producers.