The earth is a used Kleenex on the universe's nightstand.

You can't make money on Broadway. You make nothing. You maybe make like $1,350 a week after you pay out all the producers.

That’s the beauty of being a comedian: it’s the one job you’re allowed to do that. We’re lucky. We’re really lucky.

You can’t make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

For the most part, comedians are pretty friendly with each other. They always say they badmouth each other, but most of the time, they're friends. We're the only ones that can really stand our type of humor.

The mistake that people make in stand-up is thinking they're profound or they're deep when there are so many people who have more worthwhile ways of phrasing things.

I love people, I love studying people more than history. So whatever situation I see, then I look at, what were the people like, more than history itself.