The earth is a used Kleenex on the universe's nightstand.

My name has zero value.

I'm quietly becoming New York's premiere actor. People don't understand. They have me pigeon-holed as a comedian.

I think if you try to tailor your act to anybody, you end up with an act that doesn't work anyway.

People say history was written by the winners. No, it wasn't. It was written by the bullies.

I feel most empires fell when they started to act human, but then look at Russia. They kept a pretty strong hand, and they fell from Afghanistan alone because Afghanistan is the graveyard of empires. I guess you just can't sustain it.

You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it.