Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she was kind of funny, like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin type.

You can't make money on Broadway. You make nothing. You maybe make like $1,350 a week after you pay out all the producers.

I don't know any comedian who tailors his act to his audience. Maybe people say they do, but I can't even imagine them.

The mistake that people make in stand-up is thinking they're profound or they're deep when there are so many people who have more worthwhile ways of phrasing things.

You can’t make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

Somehow, it was so happy a time. Those early days of comedy are when you get addicted to it.

The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either.