People say history is boring, and that is true because people are boring. We haven't changed since time began. We're still the same.

The earth is a used Kleenex on the universe's nightstand.

It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything.

With comedians, you have that understanding that we're trying to get laughs.

Well... you know, I would wake up with a terrible hangover in a jail somewhere and worst part was that I would not know why I was there.

I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.

A weird sort of awareness set in, like, 'Wow. My stand-up isn't just separate from everything else I do anymore.' With Twitter and Face book, everything is universal that everything everybody says gets seen.