I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.

The mistake that people make in stand-up is thinking they're profound or they're deep when there are so many people who have more worthwhile ways of phrasing things.

I'm quietly becoming New York's premiere actor. People don't understand. They have me pigeon-holed as a comedian.

I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.

I've been to Japan, I've been to China, I've been to Africa, I've been to the Middle East, I've been to Europe a little bit. I've never been to South America.

People say history is boring, and that is true because people are boring. We haven't changed since time began. We're still the same.

Everybody says before reviews come out, 'Oh, reviews don't matter,' just in case they're bad; everyone want to brace themselves.