Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult.

I think everyone should own six guns, even though I don't own any.

I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.

You know how it is with writing. You just write what you want to write. There's no way to predict what is good or bad. You just do what you think is funny, and either it works or you're finished. It's impossible to predict anything.

I know nowadays the common wisdom is to celebrate diversity as long as you don't point out that people are different.

I've been to Japan, I've been to China, I've been to Africa, I've been to the Middle East, I've been to Europe a little bit. I've never been to South America.

The earth is a used Kleenex on the universe's nightstand.