Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult.

I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.

I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.

You can’t make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

A weird sort of awareness set in, like, 'Wow. My stand-up isn't just separate from everything else I do anymore.' With Twitter and Face book, everything is universal that everything everybody says gets seen.

It’s sad. Marxism didn’t work. Communism didn’t work. Capitalism doesn’t work. Nothing works. Even democracy doesn’t work. Democracy-the greatest form of government and we have two choices for who’s our leader. In fascism you only have one choice. That’s great. We have one more choice than the worst form of government.

The earth is a used Kleenex on the universe's nightstand.