I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.

People say history is boring, and that is true because people are boring. We haven't changed since time began. We're still the same.

The earth is a used Kleenex on the universe's nightstand.

I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them.

Everybody's funny in different ways.

For the most part, comedians are pretty friendly with each other. They always say they badmouth each other, but most of the time, they're friends. We're the only ones that can really stand our type of humor.

I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.