I know nowadays the common wisdom is to celebrate diversity as long as you don't point out that people are different.

I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.

The thing that drives me crazy is when comics say 'I have low self-esteem.' No you don't. You're standing on stage asking people to pay. You don't play an instrument. You want people to pay to hear what's in your mind. You don't have low self-esteem. You might have other problems.

The earth is a used Kleenex on the universe's nightstand.

People say history is boring, and that is true because people are boring. We haven't changed since time began. We're still the same.

The Senate was holding hearings on deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly, making them think they're going to get a bunch of money, when in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.

The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests.