I always wanted to write as much as perform.

I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.

The mistake that people make in stand-up is thinking they're profound or they're deep when there are so many people who have more worthwhile ways of phrasing things.

So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation.

I think everyone should own six guns, even though I don't own any.

I'm always working on stuff. But they never materialize. I'm always working on movies and TV shows.

You can't make money on Broadway. You make nothing. You maybe make like $1,350 a week after you pay out all the producers.