I always wanted to write as much as perform.

I've been to Japan, I've been to China, I've been to Africa, I've been to the Middle East, I've been to Europe a little bit. I've never been to South America.

People's - most people's job is talking about the future or like money not even in the present tense. It's not even paper.

The mistake that people make in stand-up is thinking they're profound or they're deep when there are so many people who have more worthwhile ways of phrasing things.

Well... you know, I would wake up with a terrible hangover in a jail somewhere and worst part was that I would not know why I was there.

People say history was written by the winners. No, it wasn't. It was written by the bullies.

I think everyone should own six guns, even though I don't own any.