So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation.

I think if you try to tailor your act to anybody, you end up with an act that doesn't work anyway.

The earth is a used Kleenex on the universe's nightstand.

New York Stat agreed to pay $12 million to settle a lawsuit filed three decades ago by inmates swept up in the bloody 1971 revolt at Attica prison. The settlement will be paid in the form of chocolate bars and packs of Newports that can be picked up in the commissary.

For the most part, comedians are pretty friendly with each other. They always say they badmouth each other, but most of the time, they're friends. We're the only ones that can really stand our type of humor.

I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them.

Everybody's funny in different ways.