I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.

I think I identify more with the smart guy, but most people might take umbrage at that. I like to think of myself as a real thinker, but I suppose people might beg to differ.

Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult.

The mistake that people make in stand-up is thinking they're profound or they're deep when there are so many people who have more worthwhile ways of phrasing things.

I know nowadays the common wisdom is to celebrate diversity as long as you don't point out that people are different.

My stand-up act? I combine the fact that the world is a violent place with the fact that each person is responsible for the situation they are in.

The earth is a used Kleenex on the universe's nightstand.