I don't know any comedian who tailors his act to his audience. Maybe people say they do, but I can't even imagine them.

It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything.

That’s the beauty of being a comedian: it’s the one job you’re allowed to do that. We’re lucky. We’re really lucky.

I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.

The thing that drives me crazy is when comics say 'I have low self-esteem.' No you don't. You're standing on stage asking people to pay. You don't play an instrument. You want people to pay to hear what's in your mind. You don't have low self-esteem. You might have other problems.

What I love about comedians is their instinct is always to go against the grain. Their whole existence is pointing out the elephant in the room. Already you can see audiences are pushing back, but we're the ones who really can take it more than anybody.

Well... you know, I would wake up with a terrible hangover in a jail somewhere and worst part was that I would not know why I was there.