The thing that drives me crazy is when comics say 'I have low self-esteem.' No you don't. You're standing on stage asking people to pay. You don't play an instrument. You want people to pay to hear what's in your mind. You don't have low self-esteem. You might have other problems.

I feel most empires fell when they started to act human, but then look at Russia. They kept a pretty strong hand, and they fell from Afghanistan alone because Afghanistan is the graveyard of empires. I guess you just can't sustain it.

I don't know any comedian who tailors his act to his audience. Maybe people say they do, but I can't even imagine them.

Well... you know, I would wake up with a terrible hangover in a jail somewhere and worst part was that I would not know why I was there.

I write all the time - I write poetry, I love to write

For the most part, comedians are pretty friendly with each other. They always say they badmouth each other, but most of the time, they're friends. We're the only ones that can really stand our type of humor.

The earth is a used Kleenex on the universe's nightstand.