The thing that drives me crazy is when comics say 'I have low self-esteem.' No you don't. You're standing on stage asking people to pay. You don't play an instrument. You want people to pay to hear what's in your mind. You don't have low self-esteem. You might have other problems.

I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.

I'm always working on stuff. But they never materialize. I'm always working on movies and TV shows.

Everybody's funny in different ways.

You can't make money on Broadway. You make nothing. You maybe make like $1,350 a week after you pay out all the producers.

I think if you try to tailor your act to anybody, you end up with an act that doesn't work anyway.

Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she was kind of funny, like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin type.