Stand-up is live, so I'm used to being live for most of my career. It's interesting.

I don't know any comedian who tailors his act to his audience. Maybe people say they do, but I can't even imagine them.

The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests.

I'm always working on stuff. But they never materialize. I'm always working on movies and TV shows.

The earth is a used Kleenex on the universe's nightstand.

The Senate was holding hearings on deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly, making them think they're going to get a bunch of money, when in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.

So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation.