Stand-up is live, so I'm used to being live for most of my career. It's interesting.

A weird sort of awareness set in, like, 'Wow. My stand-up isn't just separate from everything else I do anymore.' With Twitter and Face book, everything is universal that everything everybody says gets seen.

People say history is boring, and that is true because people are boring. We haven't changed since time began. We're still the same.

I think everyone should own six guns, even though I don't own any.

So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation.

The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests.

I used to love the election season'cause it's kind of fun. Everyone makes a big sport out of it with all these different news stories and everything. I like it better now that everybody knows all the candidates from the past 15 years. But it does get really ugly. It's ugly and it's pugilist.