Fat is where comedy is stored.

The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy.

According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.

By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!

You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own.

I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.

Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.