Fat is where comedy is stored.

She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy. I do have a knack for finding great women.

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.

Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van?

Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction.

I don't think of myself of a late-show host any more than I think of myself of a game-show host. I mean, I've done both, I've been an actor. I'm just kind of a carny, that's it.

A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was strudel.