Fat is where comedy is stored.

If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in.

Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.

Another one of President Barack Obama's nominees is having tax issues, which proves one thing: The Democrats like raising the taxes, but they hate paying them.

My son's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are. I dont know so I make stuff up: That son is a thesaurus.

Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN.

Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way.