Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country.

The rain is giving much needed relief to California's crops. By that I mean 'marijuana.'

By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!

Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van?

I have a beard. Just not on my face.

All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals.

I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it