Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.

A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself.

Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

I always wanted to make motion pictures, ever since I was a wee boy, and I was 32, and time was marching on. I met a guy who said, 'Come out to Hollywood for 10 days, and I'll get you a deal.' So I figured, 'OK, 10 days.' On the 10th day, he got me a development deal with Disney, not for a lot of money, but it allowed me to make the move.

It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things - a bachelor's degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.