Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. Francis was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of Pope Boo Boo.

I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass.

If you know anything about me - and, if you do, I'm sorry that your life turned out like that.

The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.

According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.