I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.

Justin Bieber's tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana.

Thank heaven Election Day is over. No more campaign ads, no more mud-slinging, no more candidates pretending they're straight. It's over!

You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.

It's Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They're endangered but you have to be careful because a polar bear is one of the few animals that will stalk a human. If you go to where polar bears live, it might stalk you and when you're on the plane going home, it might be behind you reading.

Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van?

Even though it's warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers - at least until their plastic surgery heals.