Today Prince William went to Washington, D.C., and he met with President Obama. He said, 'It feels weird being in the White House because I'm not an American.' And then Prince William said, 'Yeah, me too.'

The Danes are causing a bit of trouble. The kingdom of Denmark claimed the North Pole as their own. Hey, you can't just reach out and take something if you want it, Denmark. That's Russia's job.

Jeb Bush announced today on the Internet that he may run for president. The next presidential election could be Bush vs. Clinton. It will be like 1992 all over again except I won't be in rehab.

By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!

Time is only linear for engineers and referees.

I'm crazy. I know I'm crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu told me, and he's very clever. He said, 'You must free yourself, be more of who you are. Be more crazy.' And I'm going to.

I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.