It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things - a bachelor's degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.

Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN.

Even though it's warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers - at least until their plastic surgery heals.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck.

Saudia Arabia takes in half a trillion dollars every year in oil revenue, and the country has a population smaller than New York state, but when your system of government is an eleventh century monarchy, someone's going to end up poor, and it's not gonna be the guy whose first name is King.

It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.