I'm a terrible interviewer. I'm not a journalist - although I have a Peabody Award - and I'm not really a late-night host. What I am is honest.

There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on.

I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie.

A number of U.S. colleges are going to start having dorms for alcoholics. I believe those are called dorms.

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.

Fat is where comedy is stored.

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.