By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!

I am the Saudi Arabia of unhappiness. I have so many reserves of misery that you wouldn't understand. I actually think that's part of why I connect with Canadians. I think they understand grinding misery underneath.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.

The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.

Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Facebook is exactly like that except you're not really famous and your 15 minutes goes on forever.

Why don't they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be awesome. The team from Mexico could wear those Mr. X masks. The French wrestler could hit his opponent with a baguette. Or perhaps just surrender.

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.