By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!

Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.

I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer.

There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on.

In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.

The meeting with Prince William took place at the White House because Prince William wanted to see where the president spent his days, but the golf course was covered in snow.

The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It's camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it.