The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. Francis was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of Pope Boo Boo.

That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.

I salute Rick Perry for the way he's trying to overcome this. Today he came out and said he's not one of those slick politicians, that this just shows his human side, and some third excuse he can't remember.

I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing me.

There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.

Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.

That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.