Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.

Stand by your bed and salute me.

Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat. Fried food and cigarettes.

I have a beard. Just not on my face.

The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It's difficult to tell.

Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims.

I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.