I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.

You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.

President Obama said that we rely too much on gadgets. He gave a passionate speech about technology, but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke.

The Danes are causing a bit of trouble. The kingdom of Denmark claimed the North Pole as their own. Hey, you can't just reach out and take something if you want it, Denmark. That's Russia's job.

I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it

It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television.

I'm so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants.