It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.

You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.

Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.

That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.