You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.

Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction.

A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

My pilot's license. I'm proud of that.

That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.

I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.