Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know

I don't think of myself of a late-show host any more than I think of myself of a game-show host. I mean, I've done both, I've been an actor. I'm just kind of a carny, that's it.

Sober alkies are often asked: "When did you hit rock bottom?" but a more informed question might be: "How many times did you hit rock bottom?

There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it's twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking...And that's just the part where he fixes his hair.

Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012

The meeting with Prince William took place at the White House because Prince William wanted to see where the president spent his days, but the golf course was covered in snow.

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.