The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.

I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like,'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.

A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I'm outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?

President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it’s not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate.

The three drunkest cities in America: Fresno, Riverside, and whatever Mel Gibson is driving through.

Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN.

Thank heaven Election Day is over. No more campaign ads, no more mud-slinging, no more candidates pretending they're straight. It's over!