The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.

Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN.

I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.'

Time is only linear for engineers and referees.

The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.

I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian?

I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing me.