People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.

Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.

Jeb Bush announced today on the Internet that he may run for president. The next presidential election could be Bush vs. Clinton. It will be like 1992 all over again except I won't be in rehab.

Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.

I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world.

That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.