When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.

I know that's not the right accent, but I can't do the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.

I can't wait to see the debate between Ryan and Joe Biden. Biden is said to be already trying out different strategies. So far the one that Obama likes is where Biden pretends to have food poisoning and they cancel the debate.

That's the thing about terrorism - it works. Especially for the terrorists - they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.

I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.

Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.