California's economy is declining so rapidly that candidates are asking 'Are you better off now then you were four minutes ago?'

Tom Ridge now says we don't have to run out and put plastic sheets all over the house. Great, tell that to my dead parakeet.

Over ten thousand people have signed a petition to recall Governor Schwarzenegger. I'm sorry, that is next year's joke.

Yesterday Jerry Springer bowed out of the Ohio Senate race. He said, 'If I can't run the most embarrassing campaign in America, then I'm out of here.'

The prison scandal is really hurting President Bush's poll numbers. In fact, I hear he's already working on his concession smirk.

I have a wonderful respect for old people.

I pride myself on being down-to-earth. I’m from the Midwest. People who go into show business are screwed up. I romanticized about having a serene life.