California's economy is declining so rapidly that candidates are asking 'Are you better off now then you were four minutes ago?'

Federal authorities have informed Martha Stewart's lawyers she will be indicted for her role in the ImClone insider trading scandal. Good news for Martha - stripes are back in this year.

President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs. Yeah, they're called Kerry campaign workers.

In Massachusetts, scientists have created the first human clone. The bad thing is that in thirty years, the clone will still be depressed because the Boston Red Sox will still have not won a World Series.

Bryant Gumbel is thrilled about his CBS deal and can't wait to start alienating the staff of an entirely new network.

Bush said the unemployment situation is turning around. Last week alone, 5,000 people started working for John Kerry.

Ironically, the possibility that the president dodged his military service has increased his approval ratings with Democrats by 80 percent.