59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.