59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.