59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.