59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.