Dana Gould Quotes

We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

Life imitates art but art intimidates life.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.

Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.

What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.

No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.

Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.

There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.

Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.

The average permanent lasts about four months.

The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.