My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.

Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?