My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?

If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?