My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.

If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.

You have an obligation to challenge your fans and your viewers.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.