When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.