When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.

Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.

Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?