When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.

I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.