When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.

That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?