When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.

If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.

How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?