When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.

Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.

There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.