When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.