In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?