My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.

A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.

If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?