My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.