My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.

Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.