My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.

Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.