Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.