Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it's income from a giant mouse.