Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?

There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.