Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.

Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.