If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?

Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?