If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.