Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.